kindergarten-chronicles

I have the same thought just a few pages into every parenting book I have ever read: “Yes! This is going to change my life.”

The new best parenting book always seems to hit on a chronic area of concern or current dilemma. Discipline? Bullying? I always find the subject I need is covered. What perfect timing! It must be fate.

I become convinced that by simply finishing the book I will be a better parent for it. Of course I usually need to renew the book as I can hardly ever finish it by the due date. Then I decide to buy it because I just know that by owning it, I will be guaranteed to be that parent I so want to be. I am overcome with confidence.

What I realize is that it’s not the actual information that makes me feel better but the belief that I will succeed. As a placebo begins working immediately I am instantly flooded with relief. I can do it!
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As a chronic complainer I tend to complain about the same things over and over again.

My wonderful husband smiles at me while I rant about the drivers who can’t be bothered to use their turn signals and how I am washing the same laundry daily. I usually get a good five minutes before he loses interest. He has no complaints about anything and does not want to hear mine. If he only knew!

The truth is that I want to complain way more than I actually do. But that is what therapy and coffee dates are for, not to mention my daily walks where my friends and I take turns with our latest stories and compare whose kids are currently going through the most obnoxious phase.

I have gripes about everything, but especially driving. I hate everything about it from traffic and unclear road signs to distracted drivers and obnoxious pedestrians.
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I have really been enjoying our low-pressure summer. I made very few plans and tried to not have too many expectations other than having fun and I am proud to say that I made the right choice.

In summers past I tried so hard to achieve so much. I researched camps, making sure to match my kids to the perfect experience. It was exhausting, not to mention pricey. This year money is tight, and we are all making sacrifices. Bill is working six days a week (plus a lot of late nights), we are not taking any big trips, and I am brewing my own coffee.

For the past two summers, I was determined that both boys learned to swim. Since I am sun phobic and super impatient, I assigned Bill to the task. Neither boy was ready to put his face under the water, let alone actually swim. I had planned on sending them to private lessons this year, but did I mention money was tight? Well, after just a few weeks of swimming in a friend’s pool and the neighborhood pool, both boys are making great progress. Now that the pressure is off, they both have taken off. Paul is holding his breath and swimming underwater, and Eric is doing a solid dog paddle.
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How do I find time for myself? Or more specifically, time by myself to do things for myself.

As a mom, there is no “free time” and very little “alone time.” With all of the joy and wonder that children bring there is also the pressure and pain and irritation. As I try and write, I am interrupted by screams and thuds from across the house. As I stomp toward the noise, trying to breathe slow cleansing (calming?) breaths I come upon my boys. Their expressions highlight their failure to communicate with each other.

Paul’s expression is righteous indignation.

“What? I didn’t DO anything!”

Eric’s is pure fury.

“It’s all Paul’s fault!”

I try to remain calm. The truth lies somewhere between the two. I give them a warning. 

“Work it out without yelling. If I need to come back out and settle a fight, you will both go to your rooms.”
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As a child I was what is called “slow to warm,” meaning that by the time I decided to have fun anywhere, it was time to go. I missed out on a lot of fun and remained shy all through my childhood. Paul is just like I was. He is a very quick learner but slow socially. As his mom, I learned to be the first to get to school so he could help take the chairs down off the tables. But like Paul, I was also a sharp student and I developed a quick wit to cover up for my shyness. Now, going in to fifth grade, Paul is aware of his differences and now makes the best of them.

“Mom,” he explains to me, “I may just have a few friends but I’m okay with that.”

When Paul was younger, we would have to get to parties early so that he could be comfortable and help greet the other kids. If I ever tried to show up to a party early with Eric, he would get furious.

“What da heck? Dis party is empty!”
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Maybe it’s a New York thing, but I am cynical by nature. Even though I expect the worst in order to avoid being disappointed, it more often means that I am guaranteeing myself a negative outcome. My husband is the original Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky, taking the bad with a grain of salt and focusing on the positive in every situation. He always looks on the bright side. I hate when he does that!

Eric is more like his dad. It is all good. If play dates get canceled, he is the first to suggest an alternative plan. If a movie is sold out, he will suggest a day at the park.

“Dat’s okay, we can do sumfing better!”
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As we reach the end of another school year, I can’t help but marvel at how far my kids (and I) have come since last September. Both kids have worked so hard this year and made great strides academically and socially. Control freak that I am, I want to make sure they have a great year next year too. This means making sure we keep up our hard work this summer. Or does it?

Last summer we went to the East Coast where Eric attended “Adventure Camp.” It was held at a school and I arranged for him to have tutoring every morning before camp. The teacher worked on all of the same material that he was used to and just tried to maintain his budding reading level. He worked hard for M&Ms, diligently saving them for after lunch. Each afternoon he grinned at me in the rearview mirror reporting how many he had earned that day.
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I mentioned last week about how we use electronic games more for a reward system than educational tools. Paul is always reading and writing for fun so the two of us play hangman and Mad Libs together. Eric is so resistant to learning at home that we have limited his homework to spelling and sight words.

“They learn me enough at school, mommy!” He’s right. Between reading help and resources, he is schooled out by the end of the day.

“Could we play sumfing dat doesn’t involve letters?”

So we play games. I think kids can learn more by playing games than practicing academics.

We try for “Family Game Night” once a week, but I try to play games with either or both boys every day. We play checkers, cards, and hide and seek (a great way for me to read a magazine — they never find me and I don’t always look for them right away).
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I have never been a fan of electronics for children. My kids never played with those Leap Frog games and I was the only one interested in the magnetic letters on the fridge that sang “every letter makes a sound-B says buh!” Once we received a musical toy book that repeated letters and spelled words in a droning voice. It stopped working surprising quickly (loose/missing battery?) and then mysteriously disappeared. Learning should not be loud.

But once I got my iPhone I saw some great educational apps and I downloaded them for Eric. My favorite is FirstWords. They show a word next to a picture, and the object is to match the letters on the bottom to the ones on the word. He has been having trouble identifying letters, so I thought this would be a great way to learn. He got ten correct in a row. I was starting to wonder if he has just been holding back for fear of making a mistake and really could read. Then he got to the word SHIP. He slowly dragged the letters up onto the highlighted word, saying each one as he went. “ S-H-I-P!” He looked up at me and announced with a triumphant smile. “Boat!”
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Is it okay to have different expectations of each of your children?

I insist on the same basic good conduct from both of my boys in public. Saying please and thank you and wearing seat belts are non-negotiable. In general, I just warn them not to embarrass me and I promise to try and do the same.

But I don’t always expect the same from both of them at home. They are different people, and no matter what the situation, the only thing I can count on is that they will behave completely differently from each other.
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