Our friend Amy at Mom Spark had a great post last week about the impact of divorce on a family. Are parents just giving up too easily? Amy thinks so. She writes:
“I know we all make mistakes, and we’re obviously not all perfect, but society often sends a deceiving message that ‘we all deserve to be happy.’ I do believe this statement to an extent, but what is ‘happy’ exactly when referring to marriage? Happy doesn’t always mean sunshine, lollipops, and heart flutters. I think happy is more along the line of commitment, strength, and trust.”
“The message, or question, we should be asking is, ‘Are our desires and pleasures more important than that of our child’s welfare and future?’ AND before you argue this statement, let me say that I do understand that divorce can sometimes result in improving a child’s life, however, I believe most times it does quite the opposite.”
She concedes that there are exceptions, like abusive relationships, and that getting divorced without kids is very different. But in general, Amy believes that perhaps people are prioritizing themselves over the well-being of their family for the sake of an ill-defined sense of “happiness.” Do you agree?
Read the rest of the great post at Mom Spark. Photo by jcoterhals.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for featuring my piece. It was a difficult post to write, but needed to be written.
It was a really wonderful piece! I don't think I've ever seen the topic tackled with such honesty.
It was a really wonderful piece! I don't think I've ever seen the topic tackled with such honesty.
Agree. If you don't have kids, you can be selfish and want to be happier by getting divorced. But when you have kids, you need to shift your priorities. It's not just about you anymore. It's about them.
if you aren't happy (content) as a couple, then your children will be negatively affected. i agree that you need to work hard to maintain a family, but parents' happiness shouldn't be discounted. staying together for the sake of the kids won't be effective in the longrun.
Mixed feengs here- not your avg profiled reader, I’m sure; being male with 2 adult children, 5 grandchildren even! By the way, today’s actually the 43rd anniv of the wedding of my wife and I. . . however, we’ve lived seperate lives since 1992.
We’d grown apart, too many issuess existed. Neither of us had a new love interest, unless happiness in life may be allowed as our mutual need. There was neither, a triangle nor a square. . . our children had received or nearly earned their college degrees and we each embarked on our individuals paths in life when we left the 5 BR/3 FB house we’d shared. The children have their own homes,
I’ve finally settled this past year in a comfortable1-BR Apt. Until now, I’d lived with friends with families, at YMCA’s (the most miserable collective 7 yrs of my ’single’ life), homeless or at housing for homeless vets (Vietnam). PTSD, all of its complexities and the refusal of our VA System to allow that diagnosis be made for a condition not ‘recognized’ until more than a decade after most of us returned home; saving a great amount in disability payments. I now live on less than half that otherwise paid ‘modern day’ vets unable to hold jobs due to this debilitating condition.
I’ve lost track of exactly where my wife lives anymore, but we’d never divorced still- mostly, out of respect for her religious beliefs. Looking back, that may have been a great error on my part… we had no clue of what had been ‘going on with me, my behavioral pattern(s), depressionn and ultimate inability to keep a job at any level of responsibility or even self-sustaining income; this, after having held a respectable position at a major university hospital for 12 yrs on my return and release from 4 yrs’ military service as a medic.
My point, after all this seemingly disconnected, rumination? That my marital problems and other problems occuring within that marriage had a basis other than selfishness or lack of respect for the institution of marriage; however, it would have been for the best interest of all my family, to have either known what was ‘going on within me’ or to have divorced.
Although not of popular opinion, I feel that I (and every family member) would have been allowed a far better quality of life/understanding and approrpiate mental health care, had I divorced in or prior to 1992. I may well have been more timely and accurately diagnosed, while receiving a ‘just allowance’ from my ex-wife, a government worker earning twice the amount I’d ever received. As it was, she never once agreed to help me in any manner; although ‘married’ and thus able to file taxes ‘jointly’, saving a small amount for herself- she could well have claimed me as a dependent throughout that time, providing for my support, perhaps contributing to an early diagnosis and appropriate disability paid to me, allowimg me at least ’some degree of self-respect’, as sufferinmg from what’s practically become a ‘national badge of honor’ for a calculated 20% of veterans since the Gulf War.
Sorry to have dragged extraneous issues into my response; edit as you feel you must, but I would hope to have served as only one example of what must explain, in no small part or number, the increasing cases of marital discord. Two-thirds of my life (40 years!) have been damaged or lost to a condition long-known now as PTSD and its accompanying unrelenting depression and isolation, even with treatment- at least with that with which I’ve been given by the Veteran’s Administration.
Another issue. . .
Ed, “Missing in America”
Thanks for that post Ed, hopefully we all can learn from your experience
if you aren't happy (content) as a couple, then your children will be negatively affected. i agree that you need to work hard to maintain a family, but parents' happiness shouldn't be discounted. staying together for the sake of the kids won't be effective in the longrun.
it's way too easy to get divorced. I think it should be more difficult to get married. for better or for worse… work together to make it work!
I don't disagree per se, but how could you make it more difficult to get married? Would couples have to prove that they're in love?
First, that picture is VERY disturbing! LOL That said, as a child of divorce, I have to say that I wish my parents would have split up SOONER. They waited until I was 11 years old and that has haunted me my whole life and led to many mental/social/relationship issues of my own. If they had divorced when I was 3, like they should have, I feel I would have grown up to be a completely different individual with many less issues. To me, staying together for the kids is a huge mistake. The kids sense something is wrong and if you are not in a good relationship it shows and teaches your kids the wrong way to love.
I guess the difficult thing is figuring that out. It sounds like in the situation your parents had, they should've split sooner. But how can one tell when it's actually better for the kids or if it's for selfish reasons?
I say anytime the parents are doing things in front of the kids that harm them and their development (i.e. drinking, cheating, excessive violence or verbal fighting, not showing normal affection for each other, etc.) the kids are going to end up damaged. When people are not happy, it shows, and kids are VERY perceptive. We have to remember that our marriages are an example to our children, the only example really, of how a relationship works. If ours is messed up, how will that affect their ability to have a normal relationship in their future?
What a wonderfully written post, Amy. The last paragraph of the original post was exactly how I feel!
my brother has two kids that are both 17 now and are very messed up because he did not divorce his wife when they were babies like he should have. They have been thru a one year separation, drinking issues, hateful bitter fighting, etc. The kids have chosen favorites and gotten right in the middle of it all and I find it so sad. Their lives have been completely changed from what they could have been if my brother had done the right thing so many years ago.
I think it is way to easy to get divorced. Nowadays it almost seems like divorce is encouraged, do what feels right for you. What is right is to think of the kids.
I sometimes feel that this is not what I want to be with.
But I do not give up on that feeling, I work hard to make it go away simply by looking at all the bright and positive things in my husband. It simply makes all that thought disappear. How about if I get another man without these characters that I love in my husband, my life would be miserable.
Simply, no one is perfect and no one will find the perfect partner if we do not look at all the positive things in the other.
I do think that parents are giving up more easily. It's become acceptable and maybe even a current trend. While I was growing up most children had married parents but now I'd say there are more single parents.
I think it was to easy to get divorced my brother and his wife just did and they have a 10month old son they just quit, I really think counsling could have helped them or something
We thought our children weren't aware of our problems. We never argued in front of them. We tried to be united in our decisions about discipline. But they knew. I had suggested counseling. He absolutely refused to speak to a third party about our problems. When we split we made a determined effort to stay civil and not separate as enemies. The result was that when our children had problems in their marriage they were shocked at how vindictive their spouses were. A wife who accused my son of abuse, a husband who spread nasty rumors about my daughter. I have very mixed feelings about divorce. It should never be done lightly, but it takes two people both working at it to save a marriage.
I think the best gift that a husband and wife can bequeath unto their children is a happy marriage. My aunt-uncle have been married over 30 years, and as long as I can remember they have been at each other's throats and in a competition to see who can make the other more miserable.
They are two people that should have split up long ago, but who felt that they should stay together because of their religious beliefs, and ironically, "for the children".
If a couple does decide they want to stay together, they should work on the marriage and resolving their issues. Or, get out of the marriage, and save their children from the damage of witnessing their dysfunctional relationship.
I am going through this right now, we are in counseling and it is working. We are working on ourselves first!
The stress levels are much higher now than when I was growing up; my mom didn't work when we were small. Now typically in most families, both parents work and the stress level is high. Pretty sad.