Sharon Silver

Nothing in parenting remains the same from day to day—nothing except the presence of feelings! Feelings are part of life, part of being a child, and definitely part of parenting.

Because your child is growing quickly, her feelings change from one moment to the next. That means your parenting solutions have to change too. Read More

It’s common for parent educators, including myself, to tell parents, “Just offer them a choice and they’ll cooperate!”

Well, if offering a child a choice is so easy, then why does this parenting technique backfire more times than not? Why does a child scream “NO!” when given a choice instead of smiling and saying, “I’ll take that option, please.”

The reason I think choices elicit a negative response is because of the words parents use when offering the choice. Read More

My husband used to joke and say, “Once you feed and clothe the kids, they expect it every day!” Like it or not, feeding our families means grocery shopping.

Taking kids grocery shopping can mean listening to crying, whining and begging.  Navigating the store can cause a parent to wish for four arms. On the bright side, going shopping can be used as a form of exercise, since you run from row to row chasing your child.

Then there are the judgmental looks. The ones that say, “You have no idea what you’re doing, do you?” We’ve all seen them, the nosy lookers and shamers. It feels like they roam the earth looking for situations and people to judge.

What to Say to Judgmental Strangers

I highly recommend you i-g-n-o-r-e them! They’re just waiting for someone, anyone, to mention their eye rolling and nasty glances so they can have an argument. Don’t feed their need to argue.

If you *must* say something, make sure it sends the message, “I know you’re uncomfortable listening to my child cry, but really, I do know what I’m doing!” To express that message succinctly, try:

“Yes, we’re having a moment.”

That tells them, “I know my child is screaming. I may not being handling this the way you would, but I’ve got this.”

 How to Teach Your Child to Behave in Stores 

There are two things to be aware of when you find yourself dealing with a grocery store meltdown. One, the 3-year-old developmental phase focuses on power. Children see their parents get what they want by being powerful, yelling or demanding. They decide, “If my parents can do it, I can too.” That’s age appropriate modeling. Children need to be taught new skills to learn how to get what they want, not punished.

The other important thing to know is that in a lot of ways, a 3-year-old is still a baby. When she gets upset because her demands aren’t being satisfied, the intensity of her emotions can easily overtake and scare her. That’s when an angry demanding tantrum morphs into a scared overwhelmed tantrum.

Here are some tips for helping your child learn how to behave in the grocery store.

1. Either be willing to entertain your child as you shop, or leave her at home. Leaving her at home is always a good idea when you’re doing a large grocery trip. It also begins the teaching process. When she cries and says, “I want to go with mommy!” You say, “I only take children with me who stay with me and don’t cry. You can try next time.”

2. Don’t abandon your trip in the middle, even if your child tantrums. When you use grocery shopping for teaching make sure you have plenty of time and don’t need to buy anything. Then, when your child acts up, leave the groceries in the cart and both of you go sit outside on a bench. When her tantrum subsides simply ask, “You ready to try again?” No need to say anything else since I’m sure you’ve already talked about how she’s supposed to behave. This is about teaching through action, not punishment.

If you leave the store at this point you’ve switched the lesson from a teaching moment to showing her who really holds the power: your child. She will assume, using her immature reasoning, I’m powerful—I made mom mad and leave the store.

3. You may need to repeat this teaching several times during the first and second shopping trips.  But since you know what you’re doing, you can be calm instead of embarrassed or mad.

4. Eat before you shop. If both of you eat a snack before going shopping things will go much smoother.

5. Give your child some power. For example, allow her to push a kid’s shopping cart and get one thing you need from a low shelf. If she bolts, go get her and repeat the bench process. Repeatedly doing this shows her what you expect when she shops with you.

6. Make up games: If you need your child to stay in the cart, try, “I spy a veggie that’s green, it’s your brother’s favorite. Use your eyes to find it, then we’ll take the cart to get it!”

7. Use technology. If video games are okay in your house, use them now instead of at home, where she’s learning the dynamics of communication.

Last but not least, this isn’t a “try it one time” kind of thing. As your child grows she’ll need reminders. But it will get easier.

Sharon Silver is the author of Stop Reacting and Start Responding: 108 Ways to Discipline Consciously and Become the Parent You Want to Be, and the anywhere, anytime Online Skills Class, a webinar that addresses reacting, ways to use teaching discipline, being proactive with outbursts, and mistakes. You can listen to the webinar from anywhere in the world, anytime it’s convenient for you. Click here to receive 2 FREE tips from Sharon’s book. Find Sharon on Twitter and Facebook.

Thanks to Oprah we’ve all shifted the way we see and deal with stress.  We know it’s dangerous to our bodies, but knowing doesn’t magically change things. We have to make some changes to help ourselves. Here are seven ways to calm down before, during or after “one of those days”!

1. Breathe

Breathing is an unconscious act. The key to calming down lies in how we breathe. There are two types of breathing, upper lung breathing and deep belly breathing.

When rushing around or angry we take shallow upper lungs breaths, making us feel like we can’t catch our breath. Deep belly breathing on the other hand, forces air into the top and bottom of our lungs, making us feel calm and energized at the same time. Read More

You’re probably used to giving your kids warnings (“That needs to stop right now!”), but do they work? You may find that your warnings are more effective when you tailor your approach to your child’s temperament.

Here’s a question to help you figure out what kind of approach to take:

How does your child react when you say, “This is your warning, if you do it again I’ll have to… .”

One of my children used to interrupt my warnings as a personal challenge to “bring it on.” My other child reacted as if my warnings were an assault on his tender emotions.

Some children need warnings to be very direct and firm so they know you mean business. Other children do much better when you use a soft gentle voice and confine the warning to information, only. And some children need a blend of the two. Only you know what your child needs.

Keys to a Successfully Using 1-2-3 Read More

Last week I read a few posts about dealing with family members who were rude, hurtful, and gossipy. It’s all too common, and makes me think of a letter I recently wrote to myself:

Dear Me,
This week was rough. People said unkind things to me and to those I love. I wanted to yell and say unkind things right back at them. But I didn’t. I wanted to lash out and confront them. But I didn’t.

I’m confused.

Am I letting myself down when I don’t react to their nasty comments? Would I be seen as a bully if I said out loud what I was thinking inside? Am I weak when I say nothing and let others get away with saying hurtful things?
Love to you, yet still confused

I think many have wondered the same things. Why, when someone is rude or uses hurtful words without any care or concern for another’s feelings, do we think our only option is to either have a full-blown argument, which puts the relationship at risk, or stay silent and let the person get away with spouting nasty words?

I’m no different. I hate confrontation. Yet I’ve been known to angrily confront someone who said mean things to me. I’ve also silently walked away, truly hurt by another’s words, wondering if what they said was true.

Why Bullies Bully Read More

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” When I was little that rhyme was the big, bad, powerful statement we used to ward off the vicious attacks of other kids.

That rhyme gave us power, but didn’t protect us from the sting of the words. It didn’t stop the ugly words from sinking in and taking root. It didn’t stop those words from becoming the way we saw ourselves, or from imagining it was the way others saw us, too.

What got me thinking about this was a parent-child interaction I witnessed this week in the grocery store and the damage that can be done from interactions like this. The wound from labels can’t be seen by others, but are very much alive inside our hearts and minds. Read More

Recently I asked a group of moms, “How do you get your child to listen to you?”

Some replied, “Give consequences till he listens” and others, “Be willing to leave if she doesn’t listen.” Those things do work, but most of the time a parent has to add a reaction to the request in order for it to work.

However what most parents simply want to know is, “Do I really have to resort to yelling  ‘please stop’, before my child will listen?

There are many ways to help parents increase listening. However, unless a parent is clear about the intent behind their wish to be heard, no tip will work for very long.

Knowing What Your Goal Is Read More