That’s a good question, but one to answer first is, why do you teach your kids table manners?
I tried explaining why to my close friend, Debbi, who did not grow up in a household like mine where table manners were practiced at every meal. She was teasing me about the kids, hers and mine, licking their fingers at the dinner table. She didn’t think it mattered too much so why did I let it bother me and why did I keep after them about it.
It was two weeks later that manners came up again between us, when we were out for a social dinner with several other friends who were meeting each other for the first time. Earlier in the evening our girlfriend Lydia had shared that she was looking forward to meeting our new friend John. She really wanted to make a good impression on him.
It was a nice restaurant. We were all dressed up, and the energy in the room was bubbly, the conversation was flowing. Appetizers arrived and soon we started to pass the plates, tasting and sharing our oohs and ahhs on the exotic presentation and spicy flavors. As I turned to comment to Lydia and John, I caught Lydia mid-stream sticking her forefinger and thumb into her mouth to suck off the excess Raita (Indian yogurt and cucumber sauce) that had dribbled from the food. As if in slow motion, I watched her. “Smack,” was the distinct sound I heard as she finished the task. Giggling and laughing like a surprised little kid because of the unintended effect, Lydia’s open mouth revealed food that had not yet been completely consumed. Yuk!
It pained me to see it. The look on John’s face was priceless. I wanted to invisibly sweep Lydia aside and tell her this was not the way to impress him. I wanted to share with her what my mom told me all those years ago, that good manners are a standard of conduct, which show a person to be cultured, polite, and refined. Good manners are the first mark of good breeding. It says something about someone’s upbringing, about their family, about their potential.
My girlfriend Debbi sat across from me and grinned from ear to ear. Not a word needed to be said, the lesson was clear. Slurp, suck, and sssssip are not sounds of polite society. In that restaurant on that night Debbi heard the sounds clearly and now understood why I try to teach my kids good table manners. So they don’t end up in that situation.
I believe if I model the behavior and train my kids now, they will be better prepared to practice the skills when they go to someone else’s house and when they are out in public at a restaurant. I hope when they’re young adults that they’ll know good manners make good impressions.
But given that, how do I teach it? My old fashioned way of strictly practicing and enforcing it at every meal can be very stressful.
Fortunately, I recently came across a book called Manners of the Heart by Jill M. Rigby, on manners and etiquette for children. She bases her practice on an attitude of the heart that is self-giving, not self-serving. She states, “Planting the seeds of goodheartedness is one of the noblest tasks a parent can undertake to establish a solid foundation from which your child can grow.”
She emphasizes good manners as being respectful of others. I agree with that idea. She stresses repetition not discipline. To teach kids about table manners, she suggests setting aside one meal a week to focus on the formal practice of table etiquette, everything from how to set the table, to what to eat, to how to pass the food, and to when to leave it alone.
I like this suggestion of a lesson a week for this practice when the kids are young. Then as they get older and better skilled, it can be reinforced more often. For now, I do not want to be the nag at every meal, the etiquette monitor, reminding everyone at the table to sit up straight, put your napkin in your lap, watch your elbows, close your mouth, wait your turn, be grateful for your meal. A practice with scheduled structure once a week sounds like a good place to start.
What manners matter to you, and how do you teach your kids? I welcome your thoughts, ideas, methods and funny stories, anything to get me laughing and learning. This parenting job often requires thinking out of box. So please help me climb out of mine to see what you’re doing in yours.
How do you teach your kids table manners? And why does it matter to you?
Photo by sifu_renka.
