Elbows Off the Table and Other Challenges for Children

“Don’t sing at the table, don’t whistle in bed, the devil will get you before you’re dead,” we would chant at the table when anyone was practicing bad manners, when I was a child. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I think we were taught the rhyme to remind us to behave politely at the table. When I was a child, manners were taught almost everywhere I went: at home, at school, at church, at Girl Scouts, at 4-H. Sad to say, I don’t believe that is the case anymore. Although, I was happy to see Real Simple host Be Nice on the Internet Week. Good manners offer us the opportunity to cultivate respect for ourselves and for others. Civility is not dead and parents have the greatest opportunity to educate their children in etiquette at the family table. The big questions are what to teach and when.

While I was researching, I found a blog with a list of 14 table manners a six-year-old should have mastered. It was a daunting list and one I doubt that my kids had completely managed by that age. If you have an idea of what your child is capable of, you will easily help them transition through the stages of table etiquette. As individuals, children develop the ability to feed themselves and the concept of manners at different rates, so be patient. Eating at the table with the family, kids will model your behavior and you won’t need to do quite so much prodding. So here are some guidelines on what to expect and tips on how to promote the behavior you desire.

• Hands and faces should be washed before and after meals. Placing a step stool near the sink will allow your child to do this for himself when he is old enough to turn on the faucet. Until then, you can do it for your children, and then, with them until they become independent.
• Infants become interested in the spoon as early as they can grasp one. That doesn’t mean they can get it to the mouth. The joints in a human wrist don’t fully develop until a child reaches four to six; the scooping up of the food and turning of the wrist, so the spoon reaches the mouth upright, will develop over that time. Until then fingers are necessary to get food to the mouth or onto the spoon. I watched my two-year-old nephew happily finger feeding himself last week. His mom occasionally forked a bean for him so that he could practice using utensils. The meal was messy, but everyone accepted his eating behavior as appropriate for his development. One day he will deftly manage a fork and spoon like his 6-year-old cousin at the other end of the table.
• Speaking of my older nephew brings me to sitting still at the table. He was not, but who could expect him to. If he had been sitting on the chair, his nose would have been at table level, and his feet would be dangling. You can only sit on your feet for a short time before they fall asleep, and then, you are wiggling again. I am pretty short, so I still have these problems at some restaurants. If you want your child to sit still, you have to accommodate their seating needs. My mom keeps a couple stools for the younger grandkids, and my grandma used to place a thick book on my chair so that I would be high enough. That didn’t keep my feet from swinging though. Good positioning at the table will also reduce the need for elbows on the table, and gentle reminders may be enough to prevent that habit.
• Eating with your mouth closed prevents several inappropriate eating behaviors, and may just reduce the possibility for choking, gagging or belching during the meal. If you are talking or fill your mouth too full, your mouth won’t be closed. Toddlers sometimes get so excited about eating that they over fill their mouths. You may want to put smaller amounts of food on their plates, in small pieces, until they get the hang of it. The less rushed the meal, the less open-mouthed eating, or shoveling, occurs. Modeling and lots of praise for proper eating behavior goes further than nagging and criticizing. Because I have a family of talkers, it often feels like a contest to be heard, promoting the urge to talk with your mouth full. I found that reassuring the girls that we would wait for them to swallow to hear what they had to say worked better than scolding. Laughter is also common at our table; even the adults have learned to save the really funny stuff until all mouths are empty. Once you have snorted orange juice through your nose, you don’t wish that on anyone. When laughter results in “see food” of any form, no one should be chastised.
• “Please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me” are phrases we use so often at our house, the girls picked them up at young ages, which explains why people always marveled at their politeness. We often linger at the table, and although they are always included in the conversation, they would occasionally ask to be excused. As they got older, I would ask the girls to clear more and more of the dishes until it became automatic.

Now what about singing at the table, is that really bad manners? I researched this one and found that it really depends on the culture, and whether the singer is interrupting conversation or distracting others. I also learned that slurping and burping are not only acceptable in some cultures; they are also signs of respect. Many cultures also eat with their hands, but to my dismay, only with the right hand. My fellow lefties would struggle with this custom. I’m sure I have missed some of your pet peeves and I know you have ideas to share on teaching kids table manners. I can hardly wait to read them.

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About the author:
Kate Wiedman

Kate is a dietitian and professor at a university in the Midwest. She is a proud mother of two and has a passion for good food and a loving family. We are looking forward to all the wisdom she wants to share with us. She will be here every Tuesday & Thursday to share her insight to healthy and happy eating. Enjoy! You can follow Kate on Twitter @KatesTable

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