This is what we went through before every game.
Quitting has always been my favorite defense mechanism.
As a rule, I don’t like to try anything if I suspect I will not be good at it. I am so afraid of failing that I would rather pretend I don’t want to do it anyway. Eric is just like me in this regard. So how do I encourage my kids to keep trying?
My parents encouraged me to try things, but if they didn’t work out, I was never forced to continue. Was that a mistake on their part?
Eric has tried three different sports, and he has quit them all. In each instance, we tried one year too soon. Each activity, in its own special way, was a disaster. Part of the problem was that each of these activities was supposed to be a bonding experience between father and son. Was I out of line to ask for a break after so many years?
Unfortunately, Eric did not want a break from me.
First there was soccer. After the parade, it was all down hill. He played in one game and announced he was done. One game. We tried several more games, but he never wanted to play. When he did play, he was always two or three plays behind and often heading the wrong way down the field. He couldn’t keep up with the quick changes.
Next there was karate. The pee-wee class was at 2:30, so I needed to pick him up early from nap-time at preschool. It was at a very popular spot with a hot instructor and great magazines. Bill reminded me that I could drop Eric and go food shopping and then come back and pick him at the end of class. Hmm… Did I mention the hot instructor and magazines? I loved karate and hoped Eric would continue, but perhaps he suspected my interest was selfish? He started complaining and eventually refused to get out of the car at the karate studio. I refused to pay a monthly fee for full-time tuition at pre-school plus a monthly fee at Karate while being stuck with a stubborn Eric all afternoon. Back to 4:30 pick ups at preschool. Goodbye to my cute karate instructor.
Next was T-ball. Finally, something for Bill to get excited about. Images of my boys playing catch and fielding grounders danced in my head. It was not to be. Eric only wanted me to accompany him to practice and games. The good news was I no longer thought I threw like a girl. I discovered I threw like a five-year-old boy. The bad news was Eric only wanted me to attend his practices and games. By the end of the season we were both ready for it to be over.
Was I sending Eric the wrong message by giving up so quickly? I was all for giving him opportunities to succeed, but I didn’t want to force him to continue something he wasn’t enjoying.
Was I raising a quitter or someone who will be able to recognize when something isn’t working out and move on to something else?
Read more from the Kindergarten Chronicles.
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{ 36 comments }
I think it's probably more important to encourage kids to try all different kinds of things (sports and other activities) than it is to encourage them to stick with one activity forever. A year/season is probably plenty of time for a kid to realize s/he doesn't care for a sport. Pre-school is still pretty young to keep a kid in an activity if they hate it. All of these different experiences will probaby blossom into a sport or hobby Eric will be passionate about when he's a little older.
This has been something I wrestle with all the time too. I'm soooo glad to hear I'm not the only one. I think it's important not to force our kids to do a sport or hobby that's just not them. No one forces me, as an adult to attend pilates or something else I can't stand (I prefer yoga). Why should I force my kids to do something they just aren't into? But I also feel it's equally important to teach them to follow through with things they start and that they have to give things in life a chance. It's a fine line trying to balance both those lessons.
And I also have to admit that I need to be honest with myself sometimes. Am I forcing him to follow through with something because I'm the one who likes it? Or am I letting him quit because frankly I'm just tired of the whole activity all together?
Well I guess I've offered no real advice just some comfort that you're not only one.
My husband and I have not forced our children to do an activity ,sports etc. that they had no interest in. I have known parents who literally have pushed their children to participate in a sport-the reason being? Because the parent had /does excelled in the sport-so they think the kid will enjoy it. One thing I truly dislike are those parents/adults who are loud and obnoxious in both actions and words-acting like juveniles
Everything will be just fine if we will keep trying only for as long as we could. If we really are passionate about something, though not really good at it, we should keep trying. But if we aren't passionate, then why would we force ourselves to excel on that field? We all have our fortes and passions and there are just some lucky people who are good in fields they really love. Given a chance to choose between what I love (but not so good at it), and where I excel (but don't like it much), I would choose the one I love then keep on trying to improve on it. Just my opinion though.
I think it's all part of setting limitations… Well, after preschool anyway (in those years, I don't think you're encouraging a child to be a quitter – they're too young to understand what they want and should be having fun while they can, before school begins). After that, why not give them a choice of activities under the understanding that, whichever they pick, they have to stick with it for a certain amount of time (say, 4 weeks) before they decide if they like it, or want to do something else. Then, even if they don't like it, they've completed their "goal" at 4 weeks and aren't really quitting. It's all in how you spin it, right?
I agree that it is good to try lots of different things. I think you were really on to something when you noted that in each case, you probably started a year too early. I have found that I have made that mistake with my oldest son, time and time again. There were just so many incredible opportunities, that I didn't want him to miss out on anything, and found that instead I was pushing him above his developmental level. For the other two kids, we have really held off on organized activities until first grade or kindergarten at the earliest.
Since obesity is RAMPANT in this country and my daughter lives in a community with FEW if ANY kids..i will NOT let her quit a sport..until she has PICKED SOMETHING else to do…She needs the social aspect MORE than she needs to be good at any one particular sport. So, I will continue to 'make" her do something. If after a season of something she really does NOT like the sport, I tell her to pick something else. Besides, is it part of her school curiculum..AND..we also get our "money's worth"!
I guess it really depends on whether there are other activities (music, art, even math?) that you've seen him stick with even when it gets hard. No one is going to be able to stick with absolutely everything he tries, but if there's a pattern of giving up on every single thing, then yeah, you might be raising a quitter. Everyone's instinct is to give up and do something easier if it gets difficult.
Of course, if it's because you're pushing him to do things he's not ready for, you can always try the same things again. It might be helpful to try one of those sports again so that he can see that a single failure doesn't mean you can't get up and try again.
I love for my daughter to try new activities, however, once she has made a commitment to the team, I feel she is obligated to honor that commitment. After the season ends, she is able to pursue different interests if she chooses. I feel that it is important for her to be involved in at least one team sport a year. Currently, she plays hockey on an all girl team (she is 9 and loves it!) and she also cheers. For her spring break she wanted to sign up for a soccer clinic to see if that is something she would enjoy doing!
I think it's important to follow through on a commitment. If a child doesn't care for the sport after signing up, I think parents should have a conversation with them and explain that the team is counting on him to participate for that sign up term. When it is over, he may try something else.
Agree, team sports are a commitment until another person can take the place. Age to understand the commitments is one variable in deciding what sports to play in. Talking to the coach when he wants to quit is another. If the team is loosely put together then quitting is easier.
I would encourage my kids to hold true to the commitments they make and tell them to also discuss it with the coach, but if they were set on not doing it no more, then I would not force them.
If it's a team sport, they need to play for the season. If it's an individual sport, they should be encouraged to stick with it as long as they're making progress. Parents need to talk to them and find out why they want to quit, and help the kid to adjust to any problems. But it they just really hate that particular sport, then by all means let them quit and explore a different one.
I've wrestled with this very thing the whole time I've been a mom. As my kids are now teenagers and they are not very athletically inclined but they are VERY artistically inclined, we have focused more on that aspect of their interests. I still made sure they had opportunities growing up to do various activities, but now they know exactly what they do and don't like.
As a kid I tried lots of different sports, musical instruments and art mediums. I loved a lot of them and those that I really loved I stuck with, even to this day. I think that if you give him as many opportunities as you can, then he'll find something he really loves.
Worrying is part of being a good parent, just know that we all do it!
I feel that letting a kid quit a sport team depends on the situation,and the reason why the kid wants to quit. If a kids join a sport team for the first time,and discover that he hated the sport,and just really suck at it. than I think it's o.k to quit. However, if the sport is something that you know your kids love,and have fun at it, I think it's important to find out why the kid wants to quit. Is there a problem with his coach,teamates, or is he being pressure /bully. Than together you can figure out the best option.
I don't think children should be forced, if they aren't having a good time, let them find something they do enjoy. Quitting shouldn't be a habit but it's no good for them to be miserable either.
I don't think children should be forced, if they aren't having a good time, let them find something they do enjoy. Quitting shouldn't be a habit but it's no good for them to be miserable either.
I think that at such an early age, kids are not necessarily going to want to stick with something for very long. I think if they want to quit then you should let them quit. Let them pick something that interests them instead of picking for them.
I don’t believe children should be allowed to quit sports that they wanted to play in the first place. My children were not allowed to quit sports, but before signing them up I made sure they knew that once they commit to something, that they need to finish it and can’t just quit. I made sure they knew that others were counting on them to show up and do their best no matter what. I think it teaches kids to not be quitters and realize that once they commit, they are telling others that they will do their best for the team and themselves and they don’t want to be known as the player who let the team down by quitting.
I think it depends on why they want to quit and why the parent wants them to tough it out. If the parent's expectation is to have superstar, and they have no interest in fulfilling that dream, let them pursue what interests them. If the child is having a difficult time with embracing or mastering important skills that sports teach, such as physical activity, teamwork, and discipline, then the parent needs to encourage the child to either stay or find another alternative that gives them these skills.
Nothing wrong with letting a kid quit something they do not like. It is worse, I think, to make a kid do something just because mom or dad like it, or think it is good for them. But they should indeed be given an opportunity to try anything and everything that interests them. Like the youngest child to climb Mt. Everest, or sail the globe solo, or become a rock super star, Were they forced to do those things, or did they enjoy doing them?
And todays youth sports are not what they were a generation or two ago. All teams and all players all get the same trophy so everyone feels good. Cant have jumior feeling like a loser at such a young age.
It's perfectly okay to let a kid quit doing something they don't want to do. I joined band because my parents wanted me to, but I stayed because I liked it.
Yes, if they feel strongly adults should not push their kids
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I think that when kids are very young (5-10 yo) it's great to expose them to different sports and activities. Once they reach middle school however, the child will let you know what it is that interests them and what they would like to keep pursuing. If a child wants to quit a sport you need to sit down with him/her and find out why. Is it the coach,teammates,practices,etc. If it's something that they loved to do for awhile then I think it's important to find out why they all of a sudden want to quit. I am going through this now with my 13 yo dd who has played ice hockey since age 7 and loves it. I sat down with her the other night and asked her why she wants to quit now. She told me it was because all of her friends are cheerleaders and that she wants to be with them. I told her to ask herself if she really likes cheerleading or is it just because she wants to be with these particular girls. She answered that it was because she wants to be with this group of girls. I told her that she needs to follow HER dreams if she loves her sport and is having fun,not to follow what everyone else is doing. She can socialize with these girls, have sleepovers,go to the mall,etc. but it doesn't mean she has to do what they do all the time. You have to find out why they want to quit and not live vicariously through the kids as well. There's alot of pressure in youth sports today and far too many parents want their kids to be superstars at everything they do. It's not healthy or realistic. Let the kids follow their own dremas. It's their journey in life not ours.
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Its okay to let your kids quit sports. My daughter did swimming a while back but once she finished she never really got back into any sport.
Great article. I believe sports industry should be more investigated especially with new found controversies everyday. kids should not be forced
Its not an easy situation. Encouragement and support if they are really passionate about it but don't force them for your own agenda (some parents do get carried away). At the same time, its utmost importance to teach the value of starting something and finishing it (aka vegetables lol)
Kids these days need discipline and to learn responsibility. If you start something, you must learn to finish. This is an important lesson in life. Be it a project, a family, a business etc, they must follow through or they will get in trouble.
I think it depends on the sport. A parent should decide between being responsible and following through with things but at the same time if the child is just not into the sport and would rather do something else, they should be allowed to quit.
I believe IF a child is truly UNHAPPY (or miserable) with playing a sport then yes it's ok to let them quit, but try to encourage them to do something they would like to do or want to do…maybe something artistic (ie music-play an instrument etc)
this a good thought that every parents should possess.
According to me kids are not roborts to do what we say, we have to respect their opinions and encourage them if they are good. On the other hand if they are not likely then give and advise and leave them, if they listen its is good for them, if they do not listen it is good too, because every one learns from their mistakes, if we commit any mistake once, next time we will be careful. Afterol we learn from our experiences too!!!! let them experience good or bad!!!!
I think that letting your kid quit a sport depends on who's idea it was for the child to play the sport. If it is a sport that the child wanted to play and asked to play, then I don't think the child should be allowed to quit. But if the parent wanted the child to play and forced the child to play, then quitting is definitely an option.