Valentine’s Day is, without a doubt, one of the most dangerous holidays of the year. Common risks include chocolate-allergy related complications, emotional trauma, and broken hearts. By following these common sense safety tips, you can ensure your Valentine’s Day goes smoothly. Like the saying goes, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but being stood up on Valentine’s Day and having to watch He’s Not That Into You by yourself and” — wait, what was I talking about?
Don’t forget Valentine’s Day. Remember, Valentine’s Day is always on the fourth Thursday of the month. Oh wait, maybe I’m thinking of Thanksgiving…
Be careful of rose stems. Yes, roses are the traditional flower of love, but their thorny stems present a major safety hazard that can prick your fingers, which can cause lacerations, bleeding, and in some cases death. Instead, consider buying fake roses. Most people can’t tell the difference.
Avoid cliché Valentine’s Day gifts. Getting your loved one or date a heart-shaped box of chocolates is just about the blandest thing you can do. That might be cute for a fifth grader, but you’re a full-grown adult. And nothing says “full-grown adult” like a fifth of vodka.
Don’t eat Sweethearts. Every holiday has their crummy traditional candy — Sweethearts are Valentine’s Day’s answer to Halloween candy corn or Easter Peeps. Do not be tempted, even if telling your date “I wuv you” or “Love me” through heart-shaped candies is the best way to passively express your feelings toward him/her. And you don’t need those calories. Necco has been using their classic but unhealthy recipe for the past century: chalk, sugar, and asbestos.
No matter what, do not cry. Surprisingly, this is less attractive than it sounds.
Choose a date that is affordable. For those who are single and looking to impress a first date by asking him/her out for Valentine’s Day, be sure to choose someone who is in your budget. Is it someone who needs to be wined and dined at the fanciest French restaurant in the city? Pass. How about someone that can be easily impressed by the unlimited supply of bread sticks at the Olive Garden? Perfect.
Bring protection. In case your date hits you. For men, I suggest wearing a jock strap. As unfortunate as it may be, there is always the chance that your date will strike you as you go in for a goodnight kiss, even though she’s been sending mixed signals by saying how nice the plastic roses were and playing footsie under the table at dinner, which, by the way, was an extremely nice dinner paid for by an extremely nice gentlemen who did not expect to spend more than $30 at the Olive Garden. I mean, seriously, who orders three desserts anyway? Who? WHO?
